Have you ever experienced a head-spinning confusion at the reaction of your friend when you tell them something that you are totally exhilarated about, and their reaction can be best described as “meh”? I have; a few times in my life. So let me take you along to a scene that has played in my mind every so often to remind me to be extra sensitive when sharing some good news.
I worked for one of the major life insurance companies in the suburban New York office as a sales trainee in my thirties. I was given a book of business covering the metro New York and Connecticut, the two-state for which I was licensed to sell. It was a small office with about ten or so salespeople and a couple of sales managers. There was a camaraderie and commiserating among us.
Each week, as we entered the office, there would be a whiteboard in the waiting lounge, with the names of the people who had accomplished top sales, in order of the value of sales. It was put there as a motivator to do better. It pumped us up while also making us aware that the bar would be set higher once we achieve a goal. So we were excited, and at the same time, apprehensive. But we celebrated the success of colleagues in good spirit.
In one particular week, I had sold a few policies, mainly in the $50K to $150K, but one was a whopping $1,000,000 policy, which would put my name at the top! So, naturally, I was ecstatic and could not wait to share the news with my colleague Mandy, my frequent partner, at the lunch table. So, the next day, when I invited her to lunch, my treat, I fully expected her to be happy for me and congratulate me on my success, but what I got instead was an icy reception with “Who’s got time for such frivolous outing?” I said, “Mandy, I was hoping to celebrate with you.” To which, she replied in a very dry deadpan, “Good for you.” I was crushed and puzzled at the reaction.
I was a relative newcomer to the sales environment and had no clue how heated and personal the sales competition gets! But, once I understood it, I could give a name to that feeling. It was a pure naked, unadulterated feeling of envy that Mandy had! ENVY!!
FACE IT
I came to understand that envy is a slightly more polite and civilized version of Jealousy. Growing up, I had seen it among siblings and cousins and classmates, but not as an adult. I thought once you matured as an adult, it disappeared. Still, I had yet to understand that we all evolve into emotional intelligence at different speeds, and some people take longer to learn how to handle it. I am sure that at some point, we all come across this “wet blanket” on our enthusiasm. If it comes from friends whom you consider ‘real’ friends (distinctly different from the social media “friends,” many of whom are more like acquaintances), it is particularly bothersome.
Even more bothersome if you feel envious of your friends and are surprised by the feelings and thoughts that envy brings forth in you! It makes you wonder about yourself as to why you are feeling envious? It is an ugly feeling that comes up suddenly upon hearing someone’s good news or nowadays seeing some visual version of it on the traditional social media platforms. You wonder, why don’t I feel good about this, and how do I handle this feeling of inadequacy? It makes you conscious about the dark side of your nature, like a smudge on an otherwise perfect self-portrait. And, it makes you wonder, from where did this feeling come? Why can’t I feel happy for my friend’s good fortune?
Envy is the little sister of Jealousy. They both spring from a sense of feeling of a lack of something, the something that you covet and wish for, but your friend has it, and you don’t. Jealousy causes significant stress and restlessness; Envy, just a little; but uncomfortable just the same. You may feel envious when your friend’s kid got admission to an Ivy League school, but your kid did not, or when your colleague got a promotion or a juicy project, and you did not. But, when the loss is more significant personally, you feel jealous. For example, when your colleague got promoted instead of you, or a competitor’s brand garners the major share of the market, but your product languished. And in politics, your candidate did not win a landslide, but the opposition did.
Jealousy is often destructive and far more brutal to appease; without some resolution through action, otherwise, it becomes a chronic thorn on the side. It can only be dealt with a vendetta, resulting in economic, trade, political, or turf wars.
Envy, on the other hand, is episodic. Once some time passes between the friend’s good news and your discomfort, it dislodges, giving way to patching or improving the relationship.
But how do you handle envy? How do you handle the bad feeling it causes in you? And more importantly, how do you avoid feeling envious?
FIX IT
First and foremost, acknowledge the feeling until you can unabashedly declare that you are experiencing a lack of enthusiasm to match with your friends. Naming the feeling helps in dealing with it. Envy comes into the picture when there is a tendency to relate everything to self. Taking things personally can result in competition, anger, or ruffled feathers, where none is merited.
Shift your focus to what’s happening in other people’s lives, away from your own. Take what is being said at face value. Focusing on others distracts from the tendency of figuring out what salespeople call “wiifums,” i.e., what’s in it for me? Someone’s gain is not necessarily your loss. It is just an event.
Then introspect and answer what is it that bothers you about the situation? Admitting that you are less than generous toward your friend may take your self-esteem a notch or two down in your own eyes, but unless you put a tag on what you are experiencing, you cannot change the course of action to get rid of the guilt you feel. When you introspect, you will begin to see that your friend has a distinctly different existence than yours, and most likely, a different profile of strengths and weaknesses than you.
Have you ever done a personal SWOT? S is to identify your strengths, W represents the weaknesses you recognize in self, O stands for opportunities, and T stands for threat. You may discover that the individual circumstances that are present in your life situation may be quite different. So even though both of you may have idealized dreams or goals, your timing may not be in sync.
SWOT is a pragmatic assessment to get you to realize that competition among friends is impractical and unnecessary because, despite your close friendship, you are two very different individuals, each excelling in separate areas. For example, suppose your friend is clearly superior in musical talent to you. In that case, your friend’s good or exciting news will generate as much happiness in you because you acknowledge the friend’s uniqueness and talent without falling into the habit of automatic comparison.
MOVE ON
Develop your expertise, unique talent, and opportunities, and have a coterie of admirers to share your skills and interests. You will stop the habit of filtering and judging things by comparison. And, once you stop comparing and viewing everything from the personal lens, the practice of judgment or jumping to conclusions stops. You also become a better listener because you focus on the message rather than the messenger.
I have observed this type of survival tactic in siblings. Often siblings hear insensitive remarks by emotionally tone-deaf outsiders or relatives blithely comparing one against the other, or praising one sibling over the moon while ignoring the other, even if present in the same room! In these cases, the sibling who gets ignored develops a personality that sets other siblings so far apart that any comparison is meaningless. For example, the sibling of a scholastically brilliant person may develop a sharp sense of humor to become the party’s life to draw attention to themselves based on their unique talent or quality. Similarly, you can create your own brand among friends, and what is known in Marketing as USP, the unique selling proposition, or social appeal. Claim your own distinction!
Cultivate Optimism and positivity. Being optimistic that sooner or later you may succeed in the areas where your natural talents and competence lie is helpful. Optimism is the key to sharing happiness. Knowing that you will have your day in the limelight helps focus on the other person’s success and share your friend’s excitement. Once you can establish a little distance between you and the friend, you will genuinely enjoy the friend’s good fortune at face value and feel and express true happiness. Being able to share in other people’s good fortune comes from the generosity of heart.
Raise your Sensitivity antenna. Although it is not always possible to be aware of what‘s going on in your friends’ lives or their moods, especially at a distance or in social media, at least try to by asking some question to set the stage, or even guess from the posts before sharing. I wonder how the photographs of friends jet-skiing in blue waters somewhere feel to people locked into high-rise urban buildings for weeks and months in the pandemic lockdowns! Those are the times to curb your enthusiasm a bit and delay sharing. As the saying goes, timing is everything!
Genuine happiness is contagious if you put your guards down and welcome it!