As a schoolgirl, I once debated the perennial favorite of the debating societies, “Which is mightier, the pen or the sword?” I, who loved English prose as a subject thought, surely pen, to write words. Words can be as sharp and as effective a weapon as a sword. Later on, I also learned that the right words could make a fantastic difference between being listened to or not. The winning words open up the hearts and minds, whether addressed to one’s self or to others.
To quote Mark Twain, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter- ’tis the difference between a lightning bug and lightning.” This article deals with words in our self-talk. The right words motivate and inspire confidence in oneself, and others and wrong words can defeat oneself and create confusion and false impressions.
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to get all the breaks, and some always miss them? What makes the difference between those who succeed and those who get mired into the bog of failure?
Any given day, we encounter situations that either lift our spirits or sink it. Irrespective of age or stage in life, we are reacting to words consciously or otherwise. Our psyche continuously bombards us with others’ words or our self–talk in our head, and we react as they penetrate consciousness. They open us up, spur to move forward or stop us cold, shut us up, and raise self-protective barriers. Words are potent because they shape our future. Some words lead to winning, and some words to failure.
Most of us are familiar with stories that lifted some to become self-made successes, just as we also know the stories of people set back by the harsh words of well-meaning yet insensitive parents, teachers, or coaches, but nevertheless proved them wrong. For many sensitive individuals, the criticism becomes too personal to shake off and shrinks their world as they begin to see themselves as ‘not fitting” the norm.
Four things that make a huge difference in achieving goals are; positive or negative attitude, openness, embracing or avoiding of risks, and motivation or inertia to take action and maintain momentum.
Overarching all these are the stories people tell themselves about themselves. The stories are based on their perception of reality or based on words that encouraged or wounded them in self-evaluation as lacking by comparison. The words in these stories become the buzzwords in their silent self-talk. Some self-talks have positive words like, “Let me try and see if I can do it,” while some self-talks are pessimistic like, “Oh, I do not want to waste my time because chances are I will fall flat on my face.”
Many who grew up in America have heard of the folk tale of “The Little Engine That Could.” I remember reading it to my young children. The story is about a small steam engine that the yardmaster requested to help pull a heavily loaded train with toys and gifts for children living on the other side of a steep mountain. Most other engines sitting in the railway yard had turned down the yard master’s request citing that the load was too much to take uphill. However, a little blue Engine agreed to comply, even though knowing that the task was difficult. As it left the yard, it huffed and puffed, repeating to itself, “I think, I can, I think, I can” as it pulled the train up the hill. As it was nearing the peak, the journey became too arduous, and its speed slowed down, but it kept on going huffing and puffing, haltingly repeating, “I Think I Can, I think I can, I think…”, until it finally made it to the other side. Then elated at its success, it started the journey back, saying, “I thought, I could, I thought, I could” back to the yard beaming with pride at successfully completing the task!
I loved to tell this tale to my children to instill a sense of confidence and optimism. I am convinced that our attitude is more powerful than the material reality and determines the outcome of any challenge. In today’s parlance, we describe the reality as ‘It is what it is,”; a fact. No matter who confronts it, it is the same reality, but the attitude and perception make it encouraging versus discouraging. Words repeatedly used in our self-talk influence our posture, confidence, desire to commit, and maintain momentum!
So what leads people to sabotage their chances at the potential success? Self-saboteurs often speak in the language of negativity. “I can’t,” “I can never ever,” “What if I fail?”, “I’ll be a laughing stock” or “I am not too ambitious,” etc. These words communicate a lack of confidence, fear of failure, anticipating criticism or disapproval from others, and avoiding challenges. These lead to inertia. As a face-saving device, people often convince themselves and others that their lack of success is external. They blame luck, parents, boss, teacher, people’s selfishness, past experiences, and such things, which become an integral part of their story and part and parcel of their self-identity.
Just pay attention to these words’ subtexts. “I can’t” is another way of declaring an intention that says, “I won’t.” “I can never…” is a tacit acceptance that my conclusions are forever! Can anyone be so sure of the future? It is an indicator of a closed mind. They are effectively saying that I have made up my mind, and I won’t even try changing it. These words mask a fear of failure, a need for approval from others, and limiting thoughts; all barriers to achievement. The storytelling self chooses such words to define itself and inflict wounds that fester and eventually claim their peace of mind and the zest for life.
How you speak to yourself, drives how you act. Simply put, negative words in your self-talk lead to actions that lead to negative consequences. It results from seeing the world in absolutes, right or wrong, good or evil, white or black, but the reality is that there are many grays and other shades in between. If you choose not to discern the nuances, you are effectively closing the doors to possibility thinking, imaginative play, innovation, and experimentation. If you are unwilling to change the story from your life’s disappointments into a new narrative with a different interpretation and positive words, new possibilities, more positive consequences, and satisfaction in life, you have become comfortable living with diminished expectations.
So how do you change your story for better results?
Try just tweaking your language a bit. See if the terms “Can’t” can be replaced with “Can try” and “Never” with “Maybe” or “Perhaps,” “Always,” with “Sometimes,” and so on. Even the slight tweaks in the sabotaging language can turn it into a winning speech, with a whole new meaning. These simple changes in thinking can create a mind-shift that can change the attitudes that fuel all actions.
How do you see yourself? Are your words and stories helping you or creating obstacles to success? Take a few moments to think and rethink. It’s all in what you tell and how you say your words!